Free of Charge:
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
A woman and a duck walk into a bar:
The bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig.”
The woman says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a duck.”
He says, “I was talking to the duck.”
Holding my own:
A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “how’s it going?”
Okay, I guess. Holding my own.
“That’s good.” replied the bartender. “You’d get arrested if you held someone else’s.”
I’m an A-hole:
Guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are A-holes” Man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”. Guy says “Why, are you a lawyer?” Man says “No, I’m an A-hole”
Please, take care of yourself:
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
Lecture at late night:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies… “My wife.”
Man, I’m on the wrong bus! :
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
Walks Into a Bar… Gorilla:
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
How many bars do you own, anyway?
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, “How many bars do you own, anyway?”
Walks Into a Bar… Quick Shots
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.”
The bartender asks, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
Today is the last night:
One night, a guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried.“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?”.“Yeah, except today is the last night.”
Those are the peanuts:
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
“Hey mister! Nice pants!” it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”